Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not feeling happy in capitalism.

I haven't posted in forever because I AM SO FUCKING BUSY.

And I HATE being this fucking busy. I get so busy that sometimes I just end up sitting on the computer at night doing nothing because I become so apathetic. I end up posting shit on facebook or reading stupid shit. I am just so ... I don't know. I am very apathetic right now. I want it to be May 2012 and I want to be graduated and down and hopefully trying to find a job. But yeah ... who the fuck knows. I want to stay in school so I didn't have to work, but school is driving me mad because I am so busy.

So, I have been thinking about capitalism, working, motherhood, being a woman, feminism, happiness, etc. I really resent the idea that 40 hours a week is a reasonable amount of hours to work. I wish it was less. Yes, I completely understand that, sadly, people had to fight to get 40 hours a week (and not more!). But my day is totally eaten up by this time. Then I only have a few hours with my kid and by the time I get home, I'm rarely up for playing (even though I desperately try to), and then I just want some time to actually do something for myself but I don't even now what that should be. Is this life fair? Honestly. Of course, I made the decisions I made but I never really felt I was truly free and liberated in any of these choices. I know that I pull myself together and get shit done, but do I really want to? I want a life full of freedom, choices, and I want to feel liberated. Getting a degree, a full time job, a career, etc is really not on that list. I have $80,000 in student loans, a $6500 car loan, and some miscellaneous debt building. I will probably never own a house and if I do - when the hell would I have the time to even work on it? What if I want more kids? Do I have the time/energy/resources/money/mental sanity for that? I feel I've missed out on my 9.5 year old kid's life because of school, work, my mental health.

Then I wonder if I am feeling this way because this is my time of sobriety or something. This is where I am at. Maybe it is, but FUCK. I desperately want to not be busy and I want to feel okay with where I am at and my choices. I don't want to be scrapping by.

Being on public assistance the past 10 years has been SO FUCKING draining. Mygod. Talk about the complete opposite of empowerment. It's so disempowering. I have to turn in sheets every month about my income and other things to get money for food. Granted, I realize that's reasonable, but fuck! I hate not being able to support my kid and myself.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've been on poverty for fucking ever?

I don't know how and where to feel happiness. Is it in myself? I suppose. But how? I am a slave to debt and will become a slave in the world of work someday soon (again). I want a total systematic change.

1 comment:

  1. I here you about the being so busy that you become apathetic. Also, I don't think you feel that way about missing out on your daughters life because "it's your time sobriety." It's hard to miss out on someone's life who you care about. What are you going to do though? Really it's all a depressing and frustrating situation. Would be nice to run away to some island and live life there with your kid.