Now that I am a woman with a uterus living in a state that has pretty much banned abortion completely, I am horrified. Of course emotions run high. Of course they do! These motherfuckers passed a law that says I cannot make a decision about my body that they have NO say in. NO SAY IN. I could die from my pregnancy and couldn’t have an abortion if the pregnancy is pass the 6 weeks mark. What am I going to do? Let myself die? Where would my daughter go? Her father isn’t involved. What would happen? Why do I have to even think about this? Why?
Honestly, I don’t want to hold myself back from being emotional. Tuesday, March 26, made me question why I lived in this state, made me scared of becoming pregnant (even more so than I usually am because I do not want a child now), scared of raising a daughter in this state, scared of being forced into pregnancy. This is 2013. This is not 1952. This is not the days of the woman Demi Moore played in “If These Walls Could Talk” where she gets a botched abortion in her own home and bleeds to death. This is a time in which I can go to college, vote, divorce, have a child without being forced to marry the father. This is where women are getting half the graduate degrees and going to medical school. Things have changed and now I feel trapped and terrified. I feel that I am not a person, an autonomous person.
Of course, there are the courts we can rely on, right? Be optimistic, right? Why? Why do I have to fucking feel that way? I don’t think I should have to be that way. I think I should have the right to an abortion no matter what. I don’t need a partner’s permission, the state’s permission, a man’s permission, another woman’s permission, no one’s permission but my own. The Right attempts to guilt me about any situation I am in. I am not married, I am a single mother, I was a teen mother, I am poor, I am on welfare, I’ve been in school too long, I am pro-choice, I sometimes use birth control, I have sex, I had sex before marriage. And then I have people on my side who are telling me to be optimistic, to not express my anger, to not engage with the other side. They are telling me to be civil and respectful. Why? That just buys into what the Right is doing. I refuse to respect those who are abusing me. Why? Because they don’t deserve it.
Since Roe v Wade passed in 1973, we've continued to fight for abortion, birth control, and other reproductive rights. Maybe we need to rethink what we're doing. What are other things we can do? I think we need to shy away from making sure we don't make the right mad. I know that this is a controversial topic. The right doesn't care when they pass laws regarding transvaginal probes, birth control bans, abortion bans, sex bans, sex education bans, and so on. They don't care if we need to have an abortion because we might die. They don’t. They don’t care if the fetus has abnormalities. They don’t care if I have cancer and need an abortion. And people can be mad after reading this. I'm just sick of my life, body, and uterus, literally, being in the hands of the Right. I’m sick of being scared about this. I don’t tell the Right what to do regarding their penises and vulvas. Why? Because I don’t give a shit. If they want to have children, they can. If they want to have an abortion, they can. If they want to fuck a million people I don’t care.
The Right calls abortion murder. Fine, fucking call it murder. Call the embryo a person. That embryo in a dish is the exact same person as me. It is autonomous and can live on it’s own just like I can. It has gone through life the same way I have. It is raising a child on it’s own. It is going to graduate school as a single parent. Call that embryo a child who is exactly like the child I’ve had for almost 12 years. With this, I won’t change my mind. I won’t change my mind because abortion is always going to happen, no matter how restricted it is. And we will find ways whether these ways be through herbs, hangers, knitting needles, medication, or throwing ourselves down the stairs, or pushing our stomachs in. Women have sex and get pregnant when they do not intend to. Even if they’re on birth control, even if the man pulls out, even if they use condoms, no matter what. The feeling of an unplanned pregnancy is scary, take that back: it’s horrifying. Women don’t just step into the mothering role. They may panic and feel terrified and those are okay feelings. When I got pregnant at age 18, I had these terrified feelings. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t go right into “save this baby” mode. I went through many scenarios in my head about what to do, whom to talk to, where to do, what would happen if I did xyz. I even visited an adoption clinic and thought about abortion.
I am sick of pandering to the fucking Right. They don’t care about us. They will shove through whatever crazy fucking bill and law they want without batting an eye. They will call us murderers to our faces. They tell us to make better choices when we’re raped or when we get pregnant. They tell us we can’t take a birth control pill, when that is a responsible decision, because we’re whores or going against God and Jesus. They will tell us to wait until marriage because of their beliefs on morality and religion. They will tell us we’re shitty women for having sex with however many people we have sex with.
I don’t care if we “get down to their level.” This fucking passive aggressive bullshit doesn’t work. This “being nice” and letting them abuse us is not working. They’re like abusive partners, making fun of us, calling us names, and telling us we’re wrong for being women. They do not want us to make our own choices about our own bodies. They are controlling us, making us feel weak, making us feel we aren’t worthy. This is what an abusive partner does. THIS IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.
So what can we do? I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being wrapped up in this. I’m sick of being scared of getting pregnant and not having the options I may want. I’m fucking 30 years old. I’m not 15. We can’t keep letting them win. Some of us might die.