Not feeling happy in capitalism.

I haven't posted in forever because I AM SO FUCKING BUSY.

And I HATE being this fucking busy. I get so busy that sometimes I just end up sitting on the computer at night doing nothing because I become so apathetic. I end up posting shit on facebook or reading stupid shit. I am just so ... I don't know. I am very apathetic right now. I want it to be May 2012 and I want to be graduated and down and hopefully trying to find a job. But yeah ... who the fuck knows. I want to stay in school so I didn't have to work, but school is driving me mad because I am so busy.

So, I have been thinking about capitalism, working, motherhood, being a woman, feminism, happiness, etc. I really resent the idea that 40 hours a week is a reasonable amount of hours to work. I wish it was less. Yes, I completely understand that, sadly, people had to fight to get 40 hours a week (and not more!). But my day is totally eaten up by this time. Then I only have a few hours with my kid and by the time I get home, I'm rarely up for playing (even though I desperately try to), and then I just want some time to actually do something for myself but I don't even now what that should be. Is this life fair? Honestly. Of course, I made the decisions I made but I never really felt I was truly free and liberated in any of these choices. I know that I pull myself together and get shit done, but do I really want to? I want a life full of freedom, choices, and I want to feel liberated. Getting a degree, a full time job, a career, etc is really not on that list. I have $80,000 in student loans, a $6500 car loan, and some miscellaneous debt building. I will probably never own a house and if I do - when the hell would I have the time to even work on it? What if I want more kids? Do I have the time/energy/resources/money/mental sanity for that? I feel I've missed out on my 9.5 year old kid's life because of school, work, my mental health.

Then I wonder if I am feeling this way because this is my time of sobriety or something. This is where I am at. Maybe it is, but FUCK. I desperately want to not be busy and I want to feel okay with where I am at and my choices. I don't want to be scrapping by.

Being on public assistance the past 10 years has been SO FUCKING draining. Mygod. Talk about the complete opposite of empowerment. It's so disempowering. I have to turn in sheets every month about my income and other things to get money for food. Granted, I realize that's reasonable, but fuck! I hate not being able to support my kid and myself.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've been on poverty for fucking ever?

I don't know how and where to feel happiness. Is it in myself? I suppose. But how? I am a slave to debt and will become a slave in the world of work someday soon (again). I want a total systematic change.

teen mom

I started watching the show on MTV, Teen Mom online a few months ago. As a former teen mom, I was intrigued that such a show existed. What? Talking about the realities of teen parents?! Yes, please.

Backup. I got pregnant December of 2000, my senior year of high school. I turned 18 a few months before. The dad was 17. I gave birth to my daughter on September 25, 2001 at the age of 19. Her dad was 18, just got out of jail for selling drugs, and I seriously had no fucking idea what I was doing.

So ... since watching the show, I started reflecting on my own experiences. This show has brought up a lot of pain I went through as a mother. Struggling between the roles of teenage-hood and motherhood was FUCKING hard. And now at age 28, I realized that I DID miss out on being a young adult, a young 20's something independent woman. Because I was a mom. I went from high school to mom. I felt like a freak when I was pregnant, I hid from everyone. People talk shit when girls in high school are pregnant. Never did I want to be one of those girls. But I was.

In season one, Farrah struggles between being a teenager and a mom. FUCK, I totally can identify. I feel that way at times, still. I am envious of my non-parent friends, who literally can go to the store, no questions asked. My friends who can leave their homes whenever to do whatever. I never experienced that because I have been a mom since I was a teenager.

Maci struggles with it, too. She is really grounded in being a really good mom, too. She wants to make Bently's life as good as she can make it. I can totally identify with that, too. When my daughter was 4, I cut her dad out of our lives. He was abusive and neglectful. This reflected on my daughter, that was not fair for her. It's taken me 4.5 years to work through the shit I went through with him and I am STILL going through it. Like, only recently I realized it is NOT my responsibility to make her dad know her school schedule. That is HIS responsibility, he needs to call me or the school and figure out when parent/teacher conferences are. Honestly, I can't imagine not knowing who my kid's teacher was. While I can see parrallel's in my baby-daddy and Ryan, they do not have tools on how to be a parent. Ryan is way better than my baby-daddy, but it's similar, as well.

Amber needs to have her child taken away. She reminds me of my ex. She is putting HER shit on Gary and Gary, as the abused survivor, in the relationship reminds me of myself when I was with my ex. He apologizes to her for "everyone" he's done. While, of course, he has made his mistakes, he is not abusing her like she is. Gary is the sane parent in the situation, just as I was for my daughter. I've taken responsibility for many of my choices, have gone to counseling and got sober, went to parenting classes, and so on. I can see Gary benefitting from a lot of the same thing while being a single dad.

Finally, Catelynn. She's very mature and comes from a shitty family. Her mom is an alcoholic, I do not know where her dad is, and her boyfriend's mom seems to be the sane parent out of all of them. I feel for her and Tyler's pain. The whole show and their role in it is how much they miss their daughter. The feelings of giving her to the adopted parents seem to relive every time they see Carly or hear from. While I understand their intent completely, I think it will be something so painful they will deal with for the rest of their lives. I looked into adoption when I was pregnant, and while I had a lot of shame for that - I am glad I chose to keep my daughter.

I have been on some sort of welfare ever since my daughter was born. She is 9 years old now. I am still one of the youngest moms of the kids her age. I am still thought to be her sister or an aunt. Being in poverty has gotten so old and no matter how much I make, I seem to not be able to get ahead. Having a high school diploma is hardly enough to get a job to survive on. It's SO FUCKING hard with a kid.

Last night I was watching the check-up with Dr. Drew for season 1. Dr. Drew stated that 2% of teen moms graduate college before they are 30. And I am one of those 2%. 2 fucking %. I cannot believe it. I did it. At the age of 27, I graduated with a 3.533 GPA from a university with a BA in sociology and feminist, women, and queer studies. Within a month, I was accepted into a Master's of Arts counseling program, and started that this past August. This made me reflect on how fucking hard I have worked, how much sacrifice I have made, and how it was not easy. I have faced many barriers head on and I fucking did it. WTF? Seriously I hardly believe it.

I'm hoping this show continues. While I may get sucked into the drama, this show contains the true realities of teen moms. It's SO FUCKING HARD. I do not suggest becoming a teen mom but I also want there to be support and encouragement for teen moms. I would LOVE to work with teen moms to support and encourage them, but to also talk about the realities of it and how hard it really is.

The show has really opened my eyes to my own experiences and other's. I want to support and encourage, and I also want to present the real realities of the situation.

EBSCOhost: School Counselors' Strategies for Social Justice Change: A Grounded Theory ...

EBSCOhost: School Counselors' Strategies for Social Justice Change: A Grounded Theory ...

why radical parenting didn't work for me

Radical parent has not worked for me. However, to clarify I do not necessarily mean the gender aspect of it or letting my kid explain how she feels. Telling my child that just because she's a girl doesn't mean she can't play with trucks and boys can play with dolls. Teaching her about transgender people and things as such have been a good thing. Not to mention race, class, disabilities, and so on.

But the radical parenting in which I treat my child as an "equal" or do horizontal parenting, letting my child have a say in everything, or letting her do whatever she chooses. These things have lead to my years of parenting =ing hell.

This does not work.

Why?

Because my child is almost 9 years old and I am 28 years old. She does not developmentally, have the same brain as me. She has not been in the world as long as me. This is not ageist. This is reality. I cannot expect her to make sane decisions, honestly. I cannot expect her to do things without being told what they are, what to do, or even the consequences of her own actions. She needs to learn these things.

For too long I allowed her to have a save in things. Honestly, I was doing everything opposite of my mom and step-dad who were very authoritative and strict. What I did was not good enough either. I needed to find a middle ground because radical parenting was not working for me.

The reality is I am her parent and she is my child. This is not oppressive. This is reality. I am responsible for her and how she grows as a person. I can be supportive and let her enjoy the things she does, but I can also teach her about respecting others, respecting their boundaries, setting her own boundaries, and not being an all around mean person. These things I teach her make her into a person. She is not born to know what boundaries and respectful behavior is - I, as her parent, have to teach her.

This also means telling her what to do from time to time. For too long, I asked her to do things or gave her a choice in EVERYTHING. Reasonably, I let her have choices from time to time. But I also can guide her and give her advice and support. When I let her have a choice with everything, she started controlling what was going on with everything. Even when I was giving away extra bicycles we have - she freaked out, asking why I had not discussed it with her (honestly I do not have to) or when I mentioned getting a new car, she did not want me to do and needed to talk to her. Letting her have a choice in all aspects of our lives was leading to extreme frustration and a lot of stress for me (and for her I'm sure).

A lot of this lead to a power struggle between her and I. As a parent, I am in charge and I can be in charge without being oppressive. As a child, she does have to follow guidelines I have to set up because she was not born with life skills or behaviors that helped her grow. My daughter wanted to constantly be in charge of what was going on and started developing a very entitled attitude toward everything. She also was beginning to be disrespectful to me and others, especially when we would tell her no. She expected to negotiate with everything.

Now, I let go of letting her have choices in everything. Sometimes I have to tell her what to do. For chores on the weekend, I tell her she has to do them on the weekend, but she can decide what day. She used to come out all the time during bedtime for water, bathroom, extra hugs, etc. I used to give in because I did not want to tell her what to do but now I say "no" and bring her back to her room. Now she rarely comes out of her room.

Since I started making choices with my parenting, things have become so much smoother and I feel less like wanting to curl up in a ball under a rock or jumping off the roof. Bedtime has been less hectic and now she listens. I give her time limits, as well. I have also been more consistent and have set more routines. Sometimes I have to tell her no so she doesn't hurt herself or do something unhealthy. Telling my child no also prepares her for reality. She is not going to live in a world in which she can choose everything for herself, have choices with everything, and/or negotiate.

In the end, I feel way less stressed out and feel far more sane. I feel I can be around my child more because it is not a constant power struggle. She is realizing I am in charge and responsible for her and she can also focus on being a kid. She's also learned to trust me more and less focused on "making decisions" and more focused on again, being a kid. She, as a 9-year old (almost) is not capable of making choices the same way I am.

With all this, I can still listen to her and be supportive of her. She is allowed to voice her emotions and feelings and tell me when she is mad or happy. She can still ask me questions and develop her own interests.

I can be an authoritarian parent (not authoritatve) and allow her her own autonomy, choices, and emotions but at the same time I can still tell her what to do, give her reasonable boundaries, and trust her. This leads to better choices as she gets older and allows both of us sanity.

changes.

I haven't posted in a while. Things have happened. I've had a change, politically (more to come in a later post). My rabbit, Ramone, died on June 17 - very hard for me to grieve him. I've also decided to go back into counseling to deal with recovery more, but also because I have had a lot of emotions come up on my eating disorder I've had for years. I want to write about that more and I will later. This summer has not really turned out so far, how I thought it would. So while it has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions ... I know it's what I need right now. And I am okay exactly where I am (and fuck you, phrase. That's hard to grasp!!)

clinic escorting

Today I went clinic escorting, the first time of the summer!

The anti-choicers had two large crosses and a small plaque a Jesus figure with blood all over it. I heard "they'll hurt you in there!" and "don't kill me, mommy!" So so fucking supportive! Today I realized how grateful I am that I escort and grateful for the courageous womyn who go to the clinic and walk through those extremely non-supportive, judgmental people. I am thankful for abortion rights and wish we had more.

I totally think clinic escorting is so helpful for the womyn walking in. I can see the frightened look in their eyes start to disappear when they see the escorts walking up to them, completely respecting their boundaries, not touching them, saying, "Would you like an escort?" And if they say no, we say okay and let them walk.

I would like to know enough is enough. When abortion is made illegal? So that womyn give themselves abortion with hangers and needles again, desperate NOT to be pregnant. The pressures are on the female body, the male body does not have to ever worry about being pregnant. Yet, most of these people are men, being a fascist sexist misogynist toward other womyn. There was a priest there today, praying and protesting. I wonder if he know that preachers, nuns, and priests did things to find womyn safe, non-lethal abortions in the USA before Roe v. Wade was made a law. They made the conscious choice: continue seeing womyn die in extremely violent matters that can be completely prevented or NOT find places for those womyn to have safe abortions and continue seeing womyn die, needlessly. What is that was their daughter? Their granddaughter? Their wife? Mother? Daughters, granddaughters, wives, mothers, aunts, friends DIED because abortion was illegal because they desperately did not want to be pregnant. Beautiful, courageous, amazing womyn died because a simple, safe, medical procedure was illegal. And sadly, womyn like this are STILL dying all over the world.

It's so infuriating - some of the anti-choicers do not even KNOW that womyn did things like that. It's an easy google search ... it's NOT made up. Plus themselves. When, fine: I am SO GLAD they had that choice and I s some of the anti-choice people have abortion think everyone else should, too.

They also have a facebook page: Weekly Death Toll in Fargo North Dakota

Click

They've started to have a sign with "daily death toll", however I am confused as to how they are counting the number of "babies murdered." Because it seems as though some of the people going in get counted as two. But someone going in to have an abortion may go in with their friend who is a female. Maybe they're going that person, too? Not sure.

Well seeing how it was today made me want to continue clinic escorting.

unschooling, deschooling our kids?

Recently, someone posted on this on their facebook: http://www.worldisourschool.com/

I responded with:

I really like this idea. I just wonder how do people afford to do something like this? I would LOVE to home school my kid. But I'm a single mom on welfare (who may/may not get child support every month) going to school so I can actually be maybe somewhat competitive in the awful job market (so I can afford to buy food by myself someday! pay bills! be self-sufficient, save up for my kid's future education). I also live in North Dakota and while the classrooms are small and my kid is thriving in public school (based on ND educational standards), there are no options of co-op schools, montessori, etc. My kid luckily is in the gifted and talented program, so gets to touch on some of the critical thinking skills (which from my understanding - has a huge positive impact on kids). We do unschooling at home when we can, navigating the restrictive gender roles, family structures, and sexuality that are enforced in public schools, deconstruct the history that kids learn in public schools, and continue positive reenforcement of her own creativity, autonomy, self-love, and self-respect. I agree with what (previous person who commented) said about homeschooling and the social reasons. My kid loves to be around her friends and gets a lot of benefit from that. I don't know many home schooled kids in the city I live in and the ones I do, do not live near me (even if they did - I have school, who'd watch my kid?) My kid is also luck to be involved with theatre stuff during the summer, after school, and gets involved with the yearly Talent Show at her school. She gets to learn Spanish next year in school (something I'd have no time or resources to do and have wanted to for a long time). I can and do see the destructive consequences of public schools and I see the wonderful, loving benefits of homeschooling/deschooling/unschooling. But unfortunately, a lot of these are based on positions of privilege and oppression, it's a really hard thing to navigate.

The thing I have noticed with unschooling/deschooling movement is that it is mostly white people. Why? Because they are the ones with the resources, time, and money to do something like this. Are they all rich and well-off? No, that's not what I am saying. But for someone to be able to take time off and travel to teach their kids does lead me to ask questions on how they are able to do it. I so wish I could have the money to do that and I completely agree with the reasons for doing it. My kid gets frustrated with school, she is already judged for her gender, and has to deal with shit from other kids concerning her religious beliefs (she believes Jesus was a historical figure and has no belief in a higher power other than, she can't control everything) and that she is a vegetarian. While I certainly do not put these judgments fully on the kids themselves: their parents clearly have not taught them about other people's beliefs, experience, and so on, it still hurts my kid. Not cool.

I wish all parents had the resources they needed to give their kids the fullest lives possible. I truly fucking wish that. I also think that it's not realistic. So, I think finding ways to resist the patriarchal, capitalist, hegemonic, racist, abelist, classist structures of our lives is sometimes do those resistant acts within the structure we are in. This is why I unschool my kid while she's enrolled in public school. Teach her about the people's history and who Christopher Columbus really was, create a safe space for her to explore what she wants, let her be creative and autonomous at home, be open about sexuality and the changes her body will go through, let her still be the person she wants and keeping a critical eye on how gender, sexuality, and family structures are portrayed (we have an on-going scenerio with her Littlest Pet Shops: two mom bunnies with kid bunny and two dad penguins with kid penguin), and letting her create her own space as well (she has been building a club house out of boxes and tissue paper for a couple weeks now). This is certainly hard and never easy. To be in opposition of the mainstream narrative is hard, especially when having a kid - because they are bombarded everyday. But it is certainly worth it. It takes a lot of work, reenforcing, and a lot of discussion. So far, my kid is awesome. She understands these restrictive roles of gender and sexuality but also understands race and class and how people are treated when they are not the "norm."

I would love to create a community in which a bunch of parents could get together and we could all teach our kids, in our space, and on our own time. But it's not possible for everyone. Plus, I know my kid needs space and time away from me, as I need space and time away from her. Public schools offer that. I would love for it to be completely restructured into a way better space for kids to be. However, I also think some of us this can start with parents, too. There's a lot of pressure to be the "perfect" parent. No one is. I want there to be resources so parents can be better parents if that's possible. A space where they can grow as parents and have spaces to talk things through with other parents on the rollercoasting of raising kids.

Empowerment and passion through interdisciplinary studies: Using my education to pursue counseling for women, teens, and the LGBTQ community

I wrote this for a class, seminar paper.
*********

The real world. I feel as though I have been living in the “real world” since I got pregnant in 2000. I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. However, the transition from being an undergraduate to possibly going into the graduate program in counseling at the University of North Dakota will also be a huge change. Being ready for a challenge to learn new skills, concepts, and interact with other faculty and students is exciting to look forward to in the next school year.

Since high school graduation, I have had jobs that required a Bachelor’s Degree. These jobs have made boring, office, marketing jobs very unappealing. Sometimes I find this problematic, I feel that paid labor is slavery within our capitalist system. Unfortunately I have to trade my labor for money so I can survive in our society. Otherwise, I will end up in an unstable life, traveling with the “punk rock, train kids” I know. I have a daughter; I need to stay somewhat put, somewhat static. If I did not read Karl Marx, would I still have this view? I cannot turn the critical theorist off in my head and while this makes my experiences somewhat problematic (it is really hard to NOT question things!), I still feel this is a good thing. I do not totally buy into the “status quo” and I do not feel that I can. Besides, I got pregnant in high school; my existence is already against the “status quo.”

My time as an undergraduate has been an amazing experience, as I have been able to focus on what I potentially wanted to do, learn new concepts, and meet a lot of people. The experiences I have had working with professors through research, expanding my knowledge beyond the “punk rock” view I had on the world, and improving my writing and analytical skills have been really worthwhile. The experiences I have had at the UND have really been more than I initially expected, but I think this partly came from me talking to professors, networking, and being willing to do new things and take the initiative on asking for help and introducing myself.

However I have been an undergraduate since 2004 and I am ready for a change and a challenge. Graduate school is the venue for that change and challenge, particularly a different program. I will be learning counseling skills, using theory, and working with new faculty and students. Since I am 27-years-old single mother of an 8.5-year-old, I will also feel I will “fit in” more with other graduate students. I am fairly older than most undergraduates and I feel I have experienced more, so it is hard to “fit in” with the undergraduate students. As I believe this is a pretty common view among “non-traditional” students.

Before I went to college after high school, I took two-and-a-half years off before I started and moved to Minneapolis to attend Minneapolis Community and Technical College. Although I majored in Graphic Design, this was where I actually got my first experiences of women, gender, feminist, and queer studies/theory in an academic setting. I took a couple courses and had a feeling that I wanted to continue this as I went on with my college career.

When I transferred to UND, I was overjoyed to see those courses available. Between UND and the community college I attended, I honestly enjoyed the experience at UND more because I got to know professors and do research. However, I enjoyed the experience at the community college for the range of wide backgrounds of my fellow students. Instead of being the oldest in most classes, I was one of the youngest. There were all kinds of class backgrounds, races, genders, ages, student parents, and so on. Both have come together to be an enriching part of my experience as an undergraduate, however. While I have learned from students in both settings, it was less alienating at the community college.

With being an undergraduate, I will miss having the “expertise” in the class of feminist and queer theory. As I have heard in graduate school, a student’s mind gets broken down, built up, and broken down again. I have also heard, people get their brains picked until they cannot be picked anymore. Honestly, it sounds scary and over whelming, but I am excited and ready for that. I have been bored with school this semester because I am not being challenged the way I want or can be. I will also miss the more leisure time I have. With counseling, I will have an internship and have a lot more work. However, I am ready and really excited.

Lastly, one of the issues I face is actually getting into the counseling program at UND. I have been on public assistance and have been wondering how that will pan out because if I get a job and make past a certain amount of money a month, as I will get kicked off partially or all the assistance. I am not sure if I can afford the bills on my own. My financial situation has been a struggle since I got pregnant. The feminization of welfare and the static federal government’s definition of who/what falls under the poverty line have made it harder for poor people to get ahead. Prices have changed since the 1960s, while food has stayed somewhat fixed when put in comparison with inflation, other factors such as rent, electric bills, gas, and medical expenses have gone up. Women are more likely than men to be in poverty, single parents are more often single mothers, and single mothers are more often than non-single mothers to be in poverty. Speaking on that, I feel I have had a lot of barriers since becoming pregnant.

Having the experience with interdisciplinary studies has been so important to how I see the world. Not only with being a woman and a single mother, but identifying as a feminist, as well. I have gained a perspective on the world that analyzes power, oppression, and privilege. I am constantly bringing up the issue of gender and how sexism, racism, heterosexism, and classism interact. My track has also helped me to deconstruct social constructive binaries of gender (female/male) and sexuality (straight/gay), as well as many others that I try to break down, even in my daily conversations with others.

The training I have had in interdisciplinary studies has most certainly prepared me for my analysis and critique of the world. I want to be a counselor and continue my passion for women, the LGBTQ community, abortion issues, domestic violence and rape survivors, poor communities, and children. I want to work with pregnant teenagers, women who are having abortions, survivors, and transgender and queer youth. Being able to provide empowerment, support, and love to these people would be a wonderful experience. Anything from holding a woman’s hand during an abortion, to crying with a teenager who came out to her/his parents as queer, or hugging a teenager and telling her she is not a “fuck up” for getting pregnant. My track has certainly given me perspective and knowledge on these issues. Not only will I gain counseling skills in graduate school, but I will also come in with an understanding of their experiences and the societal views and norms they face.

Being able to provide support and empowerment to people who are part of a marginalized group has been part of the aim as and interdisciplinary studies major. To be able to act out that support and empowerment would be want I want to continue in graduate school and my career. Having been focused on feminist, women, and queer studies has completely prepared me for the future road I want to continue.

Sexism as a public health issue?: Chemicals and their toxicity in female “beauty” products

I wrote this for my last "Math/Science/Technology" course as an undergraduate. I used feminist theory in a science paper and it was really fun.

TITLE: Sexism as a public health issue?: Chemicals and their toxicity in female “beauty” products

INTRODUCTION
What is wrong with a vagina? Is there a particular way that a vagina ought to smell, look, or taste? The industrial beauty complex and capitalism has certainly decided that vaginas are smelly, bad, ugly, and even colored wrong. How do issues grounded in patriarchy and sexism connect to issues of public health? What could be in these products that may be causing far more harm than the so-called “good” the companies claim their products do?

To explain the theoretical lens I am looking at this through, I will define a few terms. One term being patriarchy which is “rule of fathers… [generally] patriarchy characterizes the pervasive control men exercise over social, economic, and political power, and resources” (Ford, 2002, p. 2). Feminist theory has also informed the theoretical lens and interest for this paper. bell hooks defined feminism as, “a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression” (2000, viii). Feminism can also be defined in a less activism and more academic approach, as it:

provides a direct challenge to the gendered world, as well as to patriarchy, capitalism, and the sexist assumptions that women’s differences from renders them inherently inferior (Ford, 2002, p. 19).

Since I wanted to explore products that contain chemicals that are marketed for the female body, I felt it was important to define the theoretical lens in which I am critically analyzing this issue. The products and chemicals that I wanted to further study have implications on the female body and prove the industrial beauty complex continued control of the female body.

The two chemicals I want to analyze are sodium hydroxide and benzethonium chloride. These are toxic chemicals that have huge health implications and benzethonium chloride has been listed as a poison in Sweden and Canada (Erickson and Neet, 2010). These products are also marketed strictly for the female body and there is nothing in comparison for the male body. The products that I want to analyze are a product by South Beach called “Lightening gel for sensitive areas” (here) which contains the sodium hydroxide and the other product that contains the benzethonium chloride is “Summer's Eve Deodorant Spray” (here).

The South Beach lightening gel is a gel-like substance that is put on the vagina with a cotton swab-like applicator. The website claims the product “was discovered by beauty-conscious celebrities who wanted to enhance the appearance of their intimate areas.” The website went on to claim that these celebrities went to salons in which harsh chemicals were used, yet sodium hydroxide is in their product and the only mention of it is in their list of ingredients. They claim the discolored and darker areas of the “intimate” areas are embarrassing and their product can help with that (here).

Summer Eve is a company that produces “hygiene” products for the female body. In the 1970’s, they tried to use the Women’s Liberation Movement as a marketing ploy to sell a product they called, “The Freedom Spray” (here), which they seem to be still doing (they claim to be woman-focused/friendly). The product from Summer Eve that I wanted to focus on is a deodorant spray. The company claims this product is safe enough to be sprayed directly on the vagina area and helps “control odor … and to stay fresh and clean” (here).

The way that these companies make assumptions about the female body is not pro-woman at all. It continues to degrade and objectify the female body. Using science to analyze the chemicals in these products is a leverage to start supporting who/what the female body looks like, instead of using science and marketing to make new products creating the “ideal” female body.

Finally, the rest of this paper will be focused on the two chemicals. The chemicals will be defined, analyzed, and I will provide case studies for each chemical the health consequences that were found in the studies. This paper is certainly not an exhausted list of case studies for each chemical or is it an exhausted list of chemicals found in female “beauty” products, however crossing science and toxicology with feminism and women’s studies is an important step to be more inclusive for these two disciplines. It opens the disciplines to more dialogue and lets feminist theory be a part of science and lets science be a part of women’ studies.

Sodium Hydroxide
Sodium hydroxide is a “white crystalline substance that readily absorbs carbon dioxide and moisture from the air. It is very soluble in water, alcohol, and glycerin. It is a caustic and a strong base” (Here). It is also a white solid and can be found pellets, grates, and granules. It can also be found in a 50% saturated solution (et al). It is used mostly for chemical purposes in manufacturing and helps manufacture other chemicals. It is also inexpensive, thus making it a benefit for industries to use. It’s chemical property is: NaOH(aq) + HCl(aq) → NaCl(aq) + H2O(l). Other names for sodium hydroxide are lye and caustic soda.

The Dow Chemical Company is the largest manufacturer of sodium hydroxide in the world. According to their website, sodium hydroxide is used for manufacturing, pulp and paper, textiles, bleach manufacturing, petroleum products, aluminum production, and chemical processing. It is also used for “water treatment, cleaners for beverage bottles, cleaning products such as drain and pipe cleaners, oven cleaner and other household cleaning products and home soap making” (here). According to the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry (ATSDR), “it is commonly present in commercial drain and oven cleaners.” It is very corrosive and in the USA it is not considered carcinogenic.

According to ATSDR’s ToxFAQ’s, some of the health risks involved with sodium hydroxide are irritation of the nose, throat, and respiratory airways. It can produce similar asthmatic symptoms. It can also inflame the lungs and cause fluid build-up. Indigestion can cause vomiting, chest and stomach pains, and difficulty in swallowing. Skin and eye contact can cause irritation and severe burns. In rare and severe cases it can cause clouding and blindness of the eye (here).

Case studies: health implications of sodium hydroxide
In a study by Brender and Harris, they explored the consequences of public health after the accidental release of sodium hydroxide in a public water supply in Texas in 1993. They discovered that much of the literature related to injury resulted from sodium hydroxide were based on ingestion or contact of cleaners. However, their study focused on the health consequences of a public health issue that affected many people.

The results of the study showed that 44.6% of the patients had contact with sodium hydroxide through their skin and that the most common (32%) symptom was burning of the skin. Some of these patients also had first-degree burns. With the follow-up question, people still reported health issues such as skin pain (only 23% sent responses back, however).

In a study cited by the National Library of Medicine HSDB Database (here), Mackison, Stricoff, and Partridge (1981) found:

On the skin, solutions of about 25 to 50% cause the sensation of irritation within about 3 minutes; with solutions of 4% this does not occur until after several hours. If not removed from the skin, severe burns with deep ulceration will occur; Exposure to the dust or mist may cause multiple small burns, with temporary loss of hair.

Another study cited by the National Library of Medicine HSDB Database, Lewis (1996) found, “has a marked corrosive action upon all body tissue. ... dangerous.” This finding was similar to a study cited in the National Library of Medicine HSDB Database by Environment Canada (1981) that found:

Skin contact; Levels of toxic effect: (1) There is not necessarily an immediate sensation of irritation or pain. (2) Primary irritant dermatitis. (3) Multiple small burns with temporary loss of hair. (4) Deterioration of keratin material. (5) Intracellular edema. (6) Severe burns, corrosion of tissue, and deep ulcerations.

While I did find studies that affected other parts of the body from exposure to sodium hydroxide, I wanted to focus on the skin because of the lightening gel product sold by South Beach and how it is a product for the skin. Finally, the National Library of Medicine HSDB Database state (et al):

Alkaline corrosives cause liquefaction necrosis. They saponify the fats in the cell membrane, destroying the cell and allowing deep penetration into mucosal tissue. In gastrointestinal tissue an initial inflammatory phase may be followed by tissue necrosis (sometimes resulting in perforation), then granulation finally stricture formation.

Epidemiology reports also state that exposure is common because of it’s prevalence in household products, however serious exposure happen more in third world countries than in industrialized countries.

BENZETHONIUM CHLORIDE

Benzethonium chloride is a “manufactured chemical used in detergents, deodorants, astringents, topical antiseptics, cold sterilization techniques and spermicides” (Caldwell). Usually it is used in ways that other chemicals and processes will delude it, so this prevents some of the toxicity of the chemical. However, I found studies and articles that supported how the chemical is carcinogenic (as Sweden and Canada declared).

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Household Products Database, “benzethonium chloride is synthetic quaternary ammonium salt. This compound is an odorless white solid; soluble in water. It has surfactant, antiseptic, and anti-infective properties” (here). One of the largest manufacturers of it in the USA is Alsuisse of America Inc. The molecular formula is C27H42NO2.Cl.

According to NIOSH’s International Chemical Safety Cards and Pocket Guide to Chemical Hazard, it can cause redness and pain of the skin, redness, blurred vision and serve deep burns of the eyes, and nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. It can also cause convulsions, shock, and/or collapse.

Case studies: the health implications of benzethonium chloride
In a study cited by the National Library of Medicine HSDB Database (here),
Goodman and Gilman (1975) found vaginal irritation that included burning sensations and itching from the use of spermicides that contained benzethonium chloride. Another study that was cited by Verschueren (1983) found that benzethonium chloride is “highly toxic by ingestion; 1 gram may be fatal.” This was similar to the findings of Dreisbach (1977) who found that 1 to 3 grams had proven to be fatal by accidental ingestion and Budavari (1989) found that, “ingestion may cause vomiting, collapse, convulsions, coma.”

The National Library of Medicine states:

Many consumer and other products containing small amounts of cationic detergents are coded to this document, primarily due to the potential for eye and skin irritation. There are insufficient data to determine a "non-toxic" amount following ingestion of non-corrosive concentrations (here).

CONCLUSION

Sodium hydroxide and benzethonium chloride have numerous health issues, most of the implications are if the exposure is long term and a specific amount. However, benzethonium chloride is listed as a poison in Canada and Sweden, but why not here? Perhaps this points to the power that corporations have with lobbying groups that have for the Congress and Senate.

Not only do these chemicals have huge health implications, but they are also in products that claim to provide women with more self-confidence to get rid of “embarrassing” aspects of their vagina when the “embarrassing” aspects are natural parts of the female body.

While this paper would be considered a secondary research paper, as I did not perform research on sodium hydroxide and benzethonium chloride, I provided the information and studies to look at the toxicity of these chemicals and risks that may follow. The theoretical lens in which I used was to provide the reader with an understanding as to why I wanted to research sodium hydroxide and benzethonium chloride.

In future research, perhaps some areas to explore would be the health consequences on long-term use of South Beach lightening gel and Summer Eve deodorant spray (and other similar products, as there are many). Since the studies I found provided a basis to understand what sodium hydroxide and benzethonium chloride does to the skin, a hypothesis could be formed on what may happen to the vagina.

The issues of patriarchy and sexism and how they connect to public health could start being answered with this paper and more research. One could study how patriarchy and sexism provides a reason to market such products as vaginal lightening gels and deodorant sprays and how this leads to health consequences for women, as well as low self-esteem and a “normalized” and internalized view of the “ideal” female body.


References:

Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry. (2002). ToxFAQs™ for Sodium Hydroxide (NaOH). http://www.atsdr.cdc.gov/toxfaqs/TF.asp?id=248&tid=45.

Brender, J. D. & Harris, R. (1998). Community exposure to sodium hydroxide in a public water supply. Journal of Environmental Health, 61, 4-21.

Caldwell, M. (n.d.) Benzethonium Chloride Side Effects. E-how: Public Health and Safety Fact Sheets. http://www.ehow.com/facts_5506385_benzethonium-chloride-side-effects.html.

Erickson, D. & Neet, J. (2010). Benzyl chloride added to toxic list. Lexocology. http://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=e0aafc79-abce-43a1-8c5e-633f59282d18.

Ford, L.E., (2002). Women and Politics: The Pursuit of Equality. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.

hooks, b. (2000). Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics. Cambridge, MA: South End Press.

National Institute for Occupational Health and Safety. (n.d.). International chemical safety cards: Benzethonium chloride. http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/ipcsneng/neng0387.html.

National Institute for Occupational Health and Safety. (2005). NIOSH Pocket Guide to Chemical Hazard (DHHS NIOSH Publication No. 2005-149). Pittsburgh, PA.

National Library of Medicine. (n.d.). Hazardous Substance Data Bank. http://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/htmlgen?HSDB.

Sodium hydroxide. (n.d.) In Encyclopædia online. Retrieved from http://www.encyclopedia.com/topic/sodium_hydroxide.aspx.

The Dow Chemical Company. (n.d). Product Safety Assessment (PSA): Caustic Soda. Product Safety. Retrieved from http://www.dow.com/productsafety/finder/caustic.htm.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2009). Household Products Database: Health & Safety Information on Household Products. http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/household/brands?tbl=chem&id=634.

Wright, A. (2010). The 6 Weirdest Things Women Do to Their Vaginas. Alternet.org. http://www.alternet.org/news/145461/the_6_weirdest_things_women_do_to_their_vaginas.

Support UND's SG Daycare Bill

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from Nathan Elness through the listserv of UND's Business & Public Administration department (apparently I get on it automatically for taking a class through that department - Problems in Political Science: Women in American Politics). He was emailing about how he is the Business & Public Administration Senator for Student Government, as well as updates on bills that were approved in the Student Senate.

As a student parent, I was excited to see the “UND Student Child Care” bill that had recently been approved. According to anther email I received from Mr. Elness:

This bill allocates up to $10,000 dollars from the Student Projects account to offset the cost by $2 a day for every child of a UND student enrolled at the University Children's Center. This will cover both the Fall '10 and Spring '11 semesters (cannot find this online right now, unfortunately).

I think this bill is beneficial to students who have children. The costs of daycare can be anywhere from $500 to $1000 a month (and that is based on ONE child). Not only that, but in the state of North Dakota, one of the restrictions for being eligible for childcare assistance through the state. Is that going to a four-year university does not count as “work.” Of course, I could work at a paid job while going to a four-year university and I may be able to get assistance during those times ONLY, if my child was at daycare. I could also get childcare assistance if I was going to Northland in East Grand Forks (because it is a two year college). The other thing about receiving childcare assistance is that a parent may have to work at night or on weekends and there are not many other childcare centers open during those times (specifically the center on campus). These are institutionalized barriers for parents.

This then leads to “Letter: SG daycare bill a waste” written by Senior Commercial Aviation student, Adam Fincke, in last week’s Friday edition of the Dakota Student (Letters to the Editor are not published online). He states that the bill is a waste because the bill does not include ALL students at UND. He also discusses the personal sacrifices non-parent students makes such as not owning a car, not flying home on weekends, working night and weekends jobs, and not owning a companion animal.

While I commend anyone for making personal sacrifices in order to further their education (because I am sure most of us have done this on campus as a student), I would also like to point out that student parents are probably making some of the same sacrifices as non-parent students. These are personal choices, as well, for ALL. The choice on whether to continue a pregnancy is a choice that students face (and I could argue that this is more critical than choosing whether or not to have a companion animal). I am sure the institutional barriers come to mind when making this decision such as: can I afford it? How much harder will school be? Will I be able to graduate? When is the baby due? Is the father going to be involved? And so on. Those questions crossed my mind.

I support/ed the SG daycare bill because it HELPS parents who are students, instead of blaming them for a personal choice they have made or making the barriers of higher education even harder. Of course, this bill does not include every student on campus; there have been other bills that do not “include” every student at UND, as well. Bills that I found on the UND Student Government website are: (Computers for Underprivileged) Project (added 12/9/09) or Studio One Closed Captioning (added 12/4/09). Would any of us NOT be favor of these bills because they technically do NOT cover all students (or community members)? I support both bills. Again, these bills help people who have institutional barriers that can lead to furthering their education and experience at UND. Thank you, Student Government.

As students, we have all made sacrifices to go to school, whether that has been moving from another state to UND, going to school as a parent, or having a job as a student. If the Student Government can help students that do not have the same equal opportunity as everyone, I applaud them. Not only can these types of bills make student-life a little easier for the ones who have barriers, but it also helps people who might make choices to NOT attend college because of some of the barriers we face. Like I have said before: we are not all born or are ever on the same “playing field” as everyone else. We can reduce specific barriers by attempting to provide services.