Not feeling happy in capitalism.

I haven't posted in forever because I AM SO FUCKING BUSY.

And I HATE being this fucking busy. I get so busy that sometimes I just end up sitting on the computer at night doing nothing because I become so apathetic. I end up posting shit on facebook or reading stupid shit. I am just so ... I don't know. I am very apathetic right now. I want it to be May 2012 and I want to be graduated and down and hopefully trying to find a job. But yeah ... who the fuck knows. I want to stay in school so I didn't have to work, but school is driving me mad because I am so busy.

So, I have been thinking about capitalism, working, motherhood, being a woman, feminism, happiness, etc. I really resent the idea that 40 hours a week is a reasonable amount of hours to work. I wish it was less. Yes, I completely understand that, sadly, people had to fight to get 40 hours a week (and not more!). But my day is totally eaten up by this time. Then I only have a few hours with my kid and by the time I get home, I'm rarely up for playing (even though I desperately try to), and then I just want some time to actually do something for myself but I don't even now what that should be. Is this life fair? Honestly. Of course, I made the decisions I made but I never really felt I was truly free and liberated in any of these choices. I know that I pull myself together and get shit done, but do I really want to? I want a life full of freedom, choices, and I want to feel liberated. Getting a degree, a full time job, a career, etc is really not on that list. I have $80,000 in student loans, a $6500 car loan, and some miscellaneous debt building. I will probably never own a house and if I do - when the hell would I have the time to even work on it? What if I want more kids? Do I have the time/energy/resources/money/mental sanity for that? I feel I've missed out on my 9.5 year old kid's life because of school, work, my mental health.

Then I wonder if I am feeling this way because this is my time of sobriety or something. This is where I am at. Maybe it is, but FUCK. I desperately want to not be busy and I want to feel okay with where I am at and my choices. I don't want to be scrapping by.

Being on public assistance the past 10 years has been SO FUCKING draining. Mygod. Talk about the complete opposite of empowerment. It's so disempowering. I have to turn in sheets every month about my income and other things to get money for food. Granted, I realize that's reasonable, but fuck! I hate not being able to support my kid and myself.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've been on poverty for fucking ever?

I don't know how and where to feel happiness. Is it in myself? I suppose. But how? I am a slave to debt and will become a slave in the world of work someday soon (again). I want a total systematic change.

Requestion Victim Blaming

This semester I am in a Sociology 436: Social Inequalities, taught by Clifford Staples. One of the approaches of the class is to start deconstructing victim blaming that goes on when people are in specific situations. Such as, known statements like, “welfare moms are taking up the resources,” or “poor people are lazy” or even recently, statements blaming the people in Haiti for the lack of resources they have after the earthquake. Aaron Wentz’s article from Tuesday is a good start pointing on the history of Haiti.

I am sure we have these statements or maybe even participated in them ourselves. Can we really assume that poor people are lazy? I can’t. Someone who works three part time jobs to feed their family is hardly lazy. Sometimes they can work really hard for decades and never get out of their economic status/class. Sometimes they were born into poor families and never get out.

How about rich socialites like Paris Hilton? Is she busy? Hardly. She parties and is in the spotlight for having reality shows or a recent drama with a friend. She was born into a family with money: the Hiltons. They own those hotels that I am sure most people at this university have heard of. She didn’t choose her family, she was born into, and she doesn’t have to work. Ever. She has more than enough resources to live. Of course, she can star in movies, make records, or have her own clothing line. But she is only able to do that without any sort of education or business experience because she was born into the right family: the family with experiences, ties, networks, money, and a name.

Now that I’ve explained some things, the assumptions of certain situations and ordeals that people happen to be in, often gets blamed on them. Perhaps we can look at the situation on a broader scale. Why are people in the situation they are in? Is it their families? The country they live in? Capitalism?

So lets say this poor person who is “lazy” doesn’t work. Lets say they are on welfare or as so many would “living off the system.” Instead of assuming they’ve never worked a day in their life and sits in their living room watching TV (and then of course, the ignorant question: how could they afford to pay for TV if they’re on welfare?!). Let us start questioning how did this person get into this position? Why is this person in this position? How could this happen to someone? Why do we accept a world in which people need welfare to survive? Why don’t we talk about a world in which EVERYONE has access to basic needs? Why do we normalize poverty, suffering, and welfare?

As the old saying goes, “the surest way to get rich is choose your parents/family carefully.” I didn’t choose mine. Did any of you? My mom and dad are from working class families, my step-dad is from Iran, and I am a first generation college student paying for it through loans, grants, and scholarships. If I was Paris Hilton, I would not have this issue. I certainly don’t think I am “unlucky” or got the “bad deal”, this is just a point of reference.

Another common victim blaming statement I have heard is, “if a homeless person is homeless, how can they get cardboard and a pen to write signs begging for money?” First of all, does it matter where they got the pen and cardboard? Also, the person who is homeless is more than likely to have clothes on, maybe some belongings. Are we going to start assuming if one is homeless, they must be naked with no valuables? But again, why is this an issue? Someone is homeless! No one should be homeless, anywhere, ever. As humans, we all have a right to have at least our minimum requirements meant. Why must we blame this person for being in the position they in? Why not start questioning what kind of world we have BECAUSE someone is homeless? Is it a fair world in which the top 1% of society posses 40% of income in a country?

Not everyone is born into the same opportunity. Because I live in the United States I have gained privileges to (for example) education, sadly not everyone in the world has this opportunity. We are not born into a world with the same “playing field.” Many of have obstacles or oppression that may put us in positions "less" than others. Things like race, gender, sexuality, class, and where we live are a part of this. These things certainly need to be thought about before we start claiming we know other people’s experiences who are in other positions than ourselves.

Green living? Really?

I wrote this in December after being extremely frustrated by the ignorance of the green movement. First, it doesn't analyze any power/oppression dynamics (race, gender, LGBTQ, class, ableism, etc) and second, it is all bullshit. There is no real alternative, it's all fake - like, shutting down coal plants while continuing to consume and drive. So the following are questions, thoughts, and concerns I have.

As a vegan, bicycle commuter, student, and environmentally conscious individual, I consider myself aware of the destruction posed by pollution, energy, cars, consumerism, capitalism, and so on. These are reasons that I chose a vegan diet, commute by bicycle, reuse products, create some of my own clothes, take the bus, make my own soaps and cleaning products, garden, share, and shop at thrift stores.

However, I am confused about some of the mainstream environmental movements. Are we looking for "clean" and "alternative" energies so we can continue to live the lives we live now? So we can continue to drive to places where most able-bodied people could walk or bike? Continue to endlessly consume what we really do not need? Continue to be completely unaware of our own choices and the impact those choices may have on our environment?

I am a mother, as well, and a potential environmental collapse horrifies me in that context. Are my daughter and children her age going to have the same access to things that I have now when they are my age? Probably not, especially if we continue to live the lives we live.

A huge part missing in most mainstream environmental movements is a sense of self-examination. I am just as guilty. I still participate in consumerism, buying stuff I do not really need. However, this is why I made the choices I mentioned in the first paragraph. Let's look at the huge implications of our everyday purchases and choices.

For example, where did this organic orange come from? Of course, it's organic - but was it grown in North Dakota? No. How much energy was put into transporting it to the store where I purchased it? How much energy did I use getting to the store? Did I drive? How much energy was used to organically grow it? How were the workers treated? Just because something is labeled as "organic" or "fair-trade" does not mean it is completely free of any type of pollution or mistreatment of workers.

How about recycling? How much energy goes into recycling? I still recycle, however, I still keep in mind that energy is used to recycle and that it is not the only "earth saver."

What about eating meat? Animals are treated now as commodities, not beings. They are raised strictly for slaughter for the First World countries to eat. What about the grain that is grown for these animals? Or the water used?

How about the shirts I see at so many stores that say things like, "green is the new black"? Look at the label - was it made in the United States? It was probably made in India under extremely poor working conditions, possibly by children. It probably required a ton of energy for transporting it to the store for purchase. If it was made in the United States, were the workers given health insurance and a decent pay? What is the point of wearing a shirt that says that anyway?

I live near campus. My daughter and I bike or walk to her school and then I bike, walk or bus to my campus. I see people who live closer to the campus than us who are driving and sometimes I get to my destination faster on my bicycle. I walk home in the winter sometimes, too.

I understand the comforts we all have grown up with. It is so easy for me to drive somewhere that is 8 blocks away. Or to leave lights on in my apartment. Or take a 30-minute shower. However these choices have huge implications on the planet and the population of it. We can continue to look for alternative energies, but let's not forget our individual choices and the implications they have. Many of us can make better choices for the future by looking at ourselves. We do not need to buy into advertisements that claim our lives will be better by having a "more improved" product. The things I have work just fine, even if they are a few years old.

If environmental groups are going to continue to look for new alternatives and pressure our leaders to "do something" so we can continue this over-consumed, unsustainable way of living, then what is the point? If we want to take this seriously, part of helping the planet is to look for another, sustainable way of living for everyone and everything.

Looking at ourselves and our personal choices and the ways we live is a part of that. We need to stop being huge consumers and realize that that's not something we ought to be aiming for. We need to change completely.

"safe" and "radical" spaces?

There is one thing I will never understand ... safe and radical spaces that involve alcohol and mostly cisgender men/males who are comfortable to get naked and walk around like that. Maybe make out with a few others ... maybe even a little coercive (hello? alcohol).

First, how on Earth can a space be "safe" and "radical" with alcohol involved? It cannot. I will say it again: IT CANNOT. As I have stated, alcohol is a drug, it is mind-altering, and blinds consent and so much more. It so-called "allows" people freedom to do what they want. Okay, fine, I have been down that road ... but there is no fucking way I want to do that again. I do not want to have to have a drug in me to do something that I actually want to do. I would rather do it honestly. And being sober is honest.

Okay, so there are lots of "safe" and "radical" spaces for freedom of expression and blah blah ... but like, I said, often times there is alcohol (fucking DIY beer, Riight?!). Does anyone actually think I would want to bring my kid there? Or would other people want to bring their kids? People are completely ignoring community needs if we ignore the fact that kids and parents cannot be involved. What about the recovering alcoholics or the people who choose to be sober? Can they really feel safe in a space that allows the use of alcohol and drugs to occur? Fuck no. Not only that - but legal stuff! How many people leave the "safe" and "radical" spaces while drunk or high? Whether that be biking, driving, or walking? Endangering themselves and others on the road? Or having a child there where people are drunk ... or even getting a kid taken away because some stupid fuck had marijuana in their pocket and the cops show up. Gross, no thank you, fucking pathetic.

How is consent being taken seriously when two people are making out and one is in a blackout from being drunk? Well, eh, guess what ... that is not consensual.

The other thing - okay, so who the fuck are the ones walking around naked or without a shirt on, etc etc ... ? The cisgender males, that's it. I rarely see a womyn or a trans/gender/sexual individual walking around like that. Is that equality? Is that a safe space? Would I be seen as "not radical/queer/too prudish" if I chose NOT to take off my shirt? I do not want people glancing at my body as if it is an object ... no matter what "safe" or "radical" space I am in. Why does some people still feel uncomfortable with that?! Guess what? There is still fucking patriarchy!!! And oh it reigns in these types of spaces, just as it does in society. Know how I know? I am female-bodied and identify as a womyn! I have been interrupted, not taken serious, done the cleaning, and watched the kids in the childcare spaces that of course, I brought up at meetings.

These "safe" and "radical" spaces are full of shit. If people are fucking serious about building FOR REAL SAFE and RADICAL spaces that actually challenge capitalism, patriarchy, heteronormativity, and misogyny ... then these communities need to include EVERYONE. They do not need to be drunk and labeled with "radical queer", "anarchist", "anarchist punk", or "safe and radical" ... blah blah ... they need to fucking take it serious. Because if these spaces continue just what capitalism gives us to "cope" (alcohol, drugs) ... then how is that fucking challenging anything? These "safe" and "radical" spaces need to be sober, need to support people in recovery, need to support kids, and need to serious and grow out of junior high school times. Challenging capitalism and consumerism is to NOT drink and create fun out of sobriety.

Why the fuck do we all think that nothing is like, ever happening, politically? Do we really think getting drunk and forgetting half of the people in our communities (the ones I define above) really does anything? It just continues the cycle ...